Kenny Wade Marshall has been performing his own original solo-pieces and sketch comedy in New York since 1999.
The Best Man
Originally performed at Manhattan Theatre Source
Produced by Scott Barrow and Danna Call
2nd Performance for Cosmic Joke Collective @ Cornelia Street Cafe
Producer Mary Noelle Dana
3rd Performance for Playwright and Actor's Contemporary Theatre Fundraiser
Jane Petrov, Artistic Director
( Lights slowly fade up. The stage is set with a stool or chair. There is a bottle of Champagne resting on top along with a small simple looking wedding cake, complete with bride and groom on top. A man enters with a champagne fluke dressed to the nines in a tux. He fills the glass with champagne, takes a fork that is resting by the cake and clings the fluke preparing to make a toast.)
As Best Man I think it is only fitting that we raise a glass to Tim and Susan. Two very good friends of mine. I raise this glass in the hope that the both of you may find peace and happiness for the rest of your lives. Especially Tim. (The best man has just downed his first glass of champagne. He once again fills his fluke, only this time all the way to the top.)
Marriage is an amazing pact that two people make to spend the rest of their lives together. It is a journey that the two of you will go on together. On this incredible journey of love and trust feel free to visit me when I can no longer control my bowls. I will probably be peeing in a bag by that point due to the excessive drinking that this blessed event has caused me to indulge in. But not to worry. As my kidneys can no longer process my urea, the both of you can come and laugh and share funny stories about your marriage and your love for each other while I lye in a bed of my own waste.
(He pours himself another glass of champagne)
But getting back to the real matter at hand. Yes, I did have a point. The sanctity of marriage, as Father O’Brien so elegantly put it this afternoon, is built on the foundation of trust. Susan, you have one of the most trust-worthy men sitting right next to you. It is impossible for Tim to tell a lie. He is one of the greatest guys I know. Hell, Tim is also one of the greatest kissers I know. Has he slipped you the tongue yet Sue?
And from what the ladies tell me, he is also one hell of a racehorse in the sack.
Cheers you Don Juan! (Pours himself another glass of champagne and continues drinking through the rest of the monologue. However, after this point, the best man puts down the glass and starts drinking directly from the bottle)
Of course, this is really no surprise to me. Have you noticed the birthmark above Tim’s right testicle Sue? The one that looks like Gorbachev’s head?
Well, I couldn’t help but notice that birthmark when I went down on your husband multiple times. Most recently, at Tim’s bachelor party.
Please. Don’t be alarmed. If it means anything to you, he closed his eyes. He said he was thinking of you. I can’t say I blame him. You have a uterus, the ability to bear children and a really nice Williams and Sonoma China set.
I suppose I could have stood up when Father O’Brien said “Does anyone here have any objections as to why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?” Yes. The groom has been fucking me for years. I don’t think that would have gone over to well.
Tim. I’m sorry. Sorry for letting you into my world. I guess in my diluted thinking we would buy a house together on the beach upstate somewhere. Maybe we would adopt a small Asia child from the black market and dress it in designer baby Gap, strap Mei-Ling into our new Ford Explorer as we go visit our well to do friends up in Martha’s Vineyard. You’ve found yourself Tim. Susan is everything that you want. Hell I like her. I like her so much it makes me irrational.
This is a good man here Susan. Sometimes he gets a little confused and starts to stick his dick in things where it doesn’t belong. Just keep a water-gun by the night stand and give him a little squirt if he starts acting up. As long as you watch out for that, your marriage with Tim will be as good as gold.
Tim, thanks buddy. Thank you for giving me countless blow jobs in positions I could not even begin to describe without the aid of a chalk board or power point presentation.
Susan, thanks for looking the other way.
Cheers to Tim and Susan everyone!
And finally, Tim, I love you. Susan makes you happy. She makes you smile. However, can she suck cock like I can? Doubtful. Who wants cake?
(The best man takes the miniature bride and groom that are perched on top of the wedding cake. He bites the miniature grooms head off and sets the bride groom back on top of the cake)
Lights Black Out.
Copyright 2007 - Kenny Wade Marshall